"I would rather have had one breath of his hair..
one kiss on his cheek..
one touch of his hand..
than an eternity without it.."
Last week, I decided to call my OB's office to see if they had received the results of Owen's autopsy back yet. My 6 week appt. was on the 11th, but I just wanted to know if they knew anything yet so I could prepare myself. As it turned out, they had just received the results that morning. My midwife was going to go over the report and then give me a call. She called me the next morning....
The results were not exactly what I thought I wanted to hear, but now that I've had several days to let it sink in and reflect on what the report said I'm doing a little better with it.
Basically, everything was normal...Owen looked perfect. The report indicated that his death was a "sudden, unexpected event" likely due to a cord accident. It also showed that he had been deceased for less than 24 hours in utero.
At first I was kind of upset since I was really really holding onto hope that something would show up on the autopsy indicating that Owen had something genetically wrong which made what happened inevitable. I didn't want to hear that he was perfect because that just leads to all sorts of second guessing. No matter what you know in your head to be true of God and his sovereignty in ALL THINGS, it's hard not to torture yourself with what-ifs.... I'm still working on that.
I am finding comfort and some level of acceptance with the results.... I am thankful that the autopsy noted that what happened to Owen was sudden and unexpected. There was nothing I could have done from a human perspective... my midwife said that it even could have been something that happened on the way to the office that afternoon for my ultrasound, it could have been that quick. It's not like he was found tangled in the cord and had been struggling where I might have picked up on it. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that he didn't struggle and that the Lord took him quickly.
I am thankful also for that word, unexpected.... it was unexpected. I really did have a picture perfect pregnancy. I had no reason to think that I was going in to that appointment to do anything other than talk about scheduling an induction. Everything up until that ultrasound had been so "routine". I felt great.... no swelling, normal weight gain etc etc... I just never in a million years thought I would be sitting here 6 weeks later without my baby. Sudden and unexpected ...
I am also comforted by the autopsy's findings that he had been passed away for less than 24 hours. For some reason that just helps me, because at this point the whole horrible day has become such a blur I can't even think straight when it comes to whether or not I felt him move much that day. I remember feeling him moving around that morning, but after that I just can't remember.... I did have a fleeting thought on the drive up to my appt. that I hadn't felt him move in a while and thinking that I would be relieved when I saw him wiggling around on the ultrasound. Little did I know...
Besides the autopsy results, the other hurdle I needed to get through this week was my 6 week postpartum appointment. I was dreading going back into the office. I didn't want to see any pregnant women, I didn't want anyone who worked there who hadn't looked at my chart to ask me how things were going if they assumed I was there for a "regular" 6 week check, I didn't want to start crying the minute I walked in there. It was rough.
Thankfully in God's providence, it ended up being a good appointment. There was no one in the waiting room when I got there. I barely had time to sit down before the nurse called me back. The nurse is one that I have seen at nearly every appointment over the past 9 months and I do remember seeing her as Derek and I were leaving the office the day Owen passed away, but I wasn't sure if she would remember what happened. She did though and she was super sweet. She asked how I was doing and if we had had a service for Owen. It meant a lot to me that she acknowledged what happened. I know it's easier to make small talk and not broach the subject when it comes to a loss like we have experienced, but it meant so much that she knew and remembered and asked about Owen. I need to keep that in mind!
The nurse also let me know that my midwife had big block of time allotted to spend with me so that I could talk to her, which was really nice. It helped when she came in to know that she had time for me.
I am reminded again of God's providence in leading me to this office for this pregnancy. My midwife, as I've mentioned before, had lost her third baby as well. There is, unfortunately, a level of compassion, empathy and understanding that only a woman who has lost a baby can have in a situation like this. I am blessed to have felt that deeply as I work through the loss of Owen. God has put women in my path who have walked this road before me and have come alongside me in a way that has encouraged and strengthened me. I was telling my midwife how thankful I was for everyone that we interacted with at Akron General including the midwife who "happened" to be on call that day. She then told me that the midwife, Teresa, had suffered 2 miscarriages this year. My midwife said that she actually came up to the hospital to relieve Teresa because she wasn't sure if she could handle it given the situation after what she had gone thru, but that Teresa really wanted to stay with me and deliver Owen with us. That is completely amazing to me. I was so touched by the fact that so many of the nurses and Teresa were crying with us as we were living a nightmare and I had no idea how close to home our loss was to them as well.
In closing for this post, I wanted to share a poem that a dear friend of Derek's mom sent to me a few weeks ago. Again, in God's providence, she is another mommy who lost her baby. She sent me a book of verses from Amy Carmichael that she found comfort in and I so appreciate her sharing this with me.
In Acceptance Lieth Peace
He said, "I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.
He said, "I will crowd action upon action
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of Manhood cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavor lieth peace.
He said, "I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.
He said, "I will submit;
I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmuring, why will ye not cease?"
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.
He said, "I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God to-morrow
Will to His son explain."
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain.
For in Acceptance lieth peace."
~Amy Carmichael
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.
He said, "I will crowd action upon action
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of Manhood cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavor lieth peace.
He said, "I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease."
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.
He said, "I will submit;
I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmuring, why will ye not cease?"
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.
He said, "I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God to-morrow
Will to His son explain."
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain.
For in Acceptance lieth peace."
~Amy Carmichael
