About Owen part 2: 6 months

Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast. - Psalm 57:1

Today marks 6 months since we lost Owen.  Or yesterday....  or sometime in between yesterday and today.  He was born still on August 30th.  And February is strangely short.... and today is March 1st.  

To be honest, that kind of irritates me.....  I realize it's irrational, but Owen should turn 6 months on the 30th and that day doesn't even exist in February.  That just kind of irritates me.  

I am  thankful for the remembrance of friends during this time.   My two very best girlfriends never let a marker like this pass without letting me know that they remember too.  I am so thankful for that!  So thankful for both of them and knowing that I can continue to talk about Owen with them and other dear friends who have drawn close to us during these past months.  It still feels good to talk about him.  Sometimes it is hard.  Sometimes I can't even think about him without crying.  Sometimes I am fine.  Whenever anyone asks me how I am doing I always give the same answer... "it depends on the day".   The reality of it is that it depends on the minute.  It depends on what I've seen....what I've done....what I've been thinking about.   The past couple of times that I have updated this blog I have been in a funk for several days.  That didn't happen initially when I started this.  It was therapy at the time.  Now it's difficult.  I think of things that I want to write, but don't want dwell on his loss for too long because it's too hard to pull myself out of it.  I feel like I just want to stay in this little cave and have a pity party.  

If the Lord brings us to mind, please do continue to pray for us.  We continue to covet your prayers.

A couple of Sundays ago during worship Charlie prefaced a Isaac Watts hymn by drawing attention to one of the last stanzas in the hymn "I Sing the Mighty Power of God" where it says:  Creatures that borrow life from Thee are subject to Thy care;  there's not a place that we can flee, but God is present there...   He was drawing our attention to that phrase "creatures that borrow life from Thee" .   That really hit home for me.  We are just here for a fleeting moment are we not?  Some of us more fleetingly than others..... but God is in it all!  He knows.  He has not forgotten.  He is present.  There is not a single thing that is outside of His control. I am reminded of Job 1:21 again and again... "The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away..."  But then what??  Then comes "Blessed be the name of the Lord forever"

 Even in our suffering He is an everpresent help.  And in our joy.  I don't want to forget that part either.  This life is hard.  Things don't go the way we thought they would.  It certainly wasn't on my radar that I would ever lose a child.  But, I am not the only person to have suffered loss.  I can dwell on it and get lost in it or I can ask God to help me thru it.  I will never be "over it".  I can only imagine that the thought of  Owen or the thought of another momma going thru a loss will always draw tears.  Everything leaves a mark.  I am scarred, I am beaten, I am hurting, but I am not alone.  There's not a place that we can flee, but God is present there...   but more than that, as if we need more, His Word tells us in Hebrews 13 that He will never leave us or forsake us!  Matthew 5 tells us that those who mourn will be comforted.  What promises we find in His Word!  Comfort for our hearts, a balm for our souls and promises from an unchanging and merciful God!

I Sing the Mighty Power of God

1. I sing the almighty power of God,
That made the mountains rise,
That spread the flowing seas abroad,
And built the lofty skies.

2. I sing the wisdom that ordained
The sun to rule the day;
The moon shines full at His command,
And all the stars obey.

3. I sing the goodness of the Lord,
That filled the earth with food;
He formed the creatures with His Word,
And then pronounced them good.

4. Lord! how Thy wonders are displayed
Where'er I turn mine eye!
If I survey the ground I tread,
Or gaze upon the sky!

5. There's not a plant or flower below
But makes Thy glories known;
And clouds arise and tempests blow,
By order from Thy throne.

6. Creatures that borrow life from Thee
Are subject to Thy care;
There's not a place where we can flee,
But God is present there.

I want to finish writing Owen's story.  I have gone over much of it already in some of my early posts.  But I want to think about him.  I want to be thankful for him.  I want to talk about him.   He was a blessing.  

Some of the details are starting to get a little fuzzy and that is frustrating for me.  I am glad that I did take the time to write those early posts because reading over them reminds me.  I will never forget him by any means, but the details start to fade.  


If you are new to this blog, you can get some of Owen's story under the "About Owen part 1 post....  )
One detail that I will not forget is walking into the hospital to deliver my baby.  When Derek came to the OB's office we talked with the midwife about what we wanted to do next.  There was no heartbeat...Owen was gone.   She said we could go home.  We could take a couple of days and then would induce me when I was ready or I could head over to the hospital and deliver him that day.  

We didn't hesitate.  I wanted to go right to the hospital.  I was in shock.  This wasn't happening.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I had to see him to be sure.  If I went home it would have been torture.   Plus, we have 2 small children at home.  How can they understand what is happening if nothing has changed from their perspective?  They would still see Mommy with a baby in her belly.  They wouldn't understand.  


So we drove up to the hospital.  What I distinctly remember walking into the hospital is seeing a man as I got out of my car walking thru the parking garage holding a boppy.  I'm not sure how I even made it into the hospital.  We were walking behind him and he was carrying a boppy in for his baby.  I tried not to look at him but I couldn't help myself.  His baby needed a boppy and mine never would.  I nursed both of my other 2 children and I am very intimately acquainted with the many many many uses of a boppy.  And I had a new one at home that was just for Owen.  It was heartwrenching.    Just those little things......


Like I've said before in previous posts, I do not have a bad thing to say about the staff at Akron General.  They were wonderful.  From the minute we walked onto the Labor and Delivery floor you could tell they were aware of what was happening and they were compassionate.  


Obviously I had to be induced since nothing at all was happening.  I have had an epidural and pitocin for induction with all 3 of my kids.  I had kind of been entertaining the thought off and on of trying to deliver Owen without the epidural before this happened.  I hate getting them and my body seems to take to them annoyingly well and I am  numb for hours and hours.  I couldn't feel a single thing when I had either one of the previous two.  Now, I realize, that some would say "great!  what are you complaining about!  Sounds like a good plan...besides, isn't that the point of an epidural!".  I just didn't like it.   I couldn't move for hours, it made me super groggy, I just didn't like it.  But it doesn't matter.  This time I didn't want to feel anything.  All those plans went out the window.  My midwife asked if I wanted a birthing ball etc etc.  No way.  I wanted the epidural.  I wanted to be numb.  I didn't want to know this was happening.  


Unfortunately this was the worst epidural I've had.  I got the shakes, which has never happened before, then I got sick....thought for sure I was going to puke.  Then at some point in there I am quite sure I just started freaking out.  Somewhere in the 5 or 6 hours I was there waiting for things to progress it must have started hitting me.  My baby was gone.  I still had to deliver him and go thru all that trauma and I would have no baby to take home with me when it was all said and done.  I would bear all the marks of someone who just had a baby without the only thing that makes it all worth it.  He was never coming home.  


As I have said before, delivering Owen was the most surreal thing I have ever had to endure.  It was almost total silence in between whispered bouts of encouragement to push.  It seemed like it took forever to deliver him...but he wasn't able to help at all.  And he was big.  8lbs 14 ozs.  and 19 1/2 inches long.  He was over a pound bigger than either his brother or his sister.


This is getting kind of long again, so I'll continue on next time......


I was thankful for so many things that day.  I wasn't prepared for what was happening but I am thankful again for family and friends who got us through and thought of things that we couldn't.  


And even right now..... I am sitting here finishing up this post.  My 3 year old just got up from her nap.  She wants a snack.  Cat in the Hat is on......she must get up and dance.  Right now.  There is music.  She must dance.   Thank you Lord for our children.  All 3 of them.  


- Cat