About Owen part 2: 6 months

Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast. - Psalm 57:1

Today marks 6 months since we lost Owen.  Or yesterday....  or sometime in between yesterday and today.  He was born still on August 30th.  And February is strangely short.... and today is March 1st.  

To be honest, that kind of irritates me.....  I realize it's irrational, but Owen should turn 6 months on the 30th and that day doesn't even exist in February.  That just kind of irritates me.  

I am  thankful for the remembrance of friends during this time.   My two very best girlfriends never let a marker like this pass without letting me know that they remember too.  I am so thankful for that!  So thankful for both of them and knowing that I can continue to talk about Owen with them and other dear friends who have drawn close to us during these past months.  It still feels good to talk about him.  Sometimes it is hard.  Sometimes I can't even think about him without crying.  Sometimes I am fine.  Whenever anyone asks me how I am doing I always give the same answer... "it depends on the day".   The reality of it is that it depends on the minute.  It depends on what I've seen....what I've done....what I've been thinking about.   The past couple of times that I have updated this blog I have been in a funk for several days.  That didn't happen initially when I started this.  It was therapy at the time.  Now it's difficult.  I think of things that I want to write, but don't want dwell on his loss for too long because it's too hard to pull myself out of it.  I feel like I just want to stay in this little cave and have a pity party.  

If the Lord brings us to mind, please do continue to pray for us.  We continue to covet your prayers.

A couple of Sundays ago during worship Charlie prefaced a Isaac Watts hymn by drawing attention to one of the last stanzas in the hymn "I Sing the Mighty Power of God" where it says:  Creatures that borrow life from Thee are subject to Thy care;  there's not a place that we can flee, but God is present there...   He was drawing our attention to that phrase "creatures that borrow life from Thee" .   That really hit home for me.  We are just here for a fleeting moment are we not?  Some of us more fleetingly than others..... but God is in it all!  He knows.  He has not forgotten.  He is present.  There is not a single thing that is outside of His control. I am reminded of Job 1:21 again and again... "The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away..."  But then what??  Then comes "Blessed be the name of the Lord forever"

 Even in our suffering He is an everpresent help.  And in our joy.  I don't want to forget that part either.  This life is hard.  Things don't go the way we thought they would.  It certainly wasn't on my radar that I would ever lose a child.  But, I am not the only person to have suffered loss.  I can dwell on it and get lost in it or I can ask God to help me thru it.  I will never be "over it".  I can only imagine that the thought of  Owen or the thought of another momma going thru a loss will always draw tears.  Everything leaves a mark.  I am scarred, I am beaten, I am hurting, but I am not alone.  There's not a place that we can flee, but God is present there...   but more than that, as if we need more, His Word tells us in Hebrews 13 that He will never leave us or forsake us!  Matthew 5 tells us that those who mourn will be comforted.  What promises we find in His Word!  Comfort for our hearts, a balm for our souls and promises from an unchanging and merciful God!

I Sing the Mighty Power of God

1. I sing the almighty power of God,
That made the mountains rise,
That spread the flowing seas abroad,
And built the lofty skies.

2. I sing the wisdom that ordained
The sun to rule the day;
The moon shines full at His command,
And all the stars obey.

3. I sing the goodness of the Lord,
That filled the earth with food;
He formed the creatures with His Word,
And then pronounced them good.

4. Lord! how Thy wonders are displayed
Where'er I turn mine eye!
If I survey the ground I tread,
Or gaze upon the sky!

5. There's not a plant or flower below
But makes Thy glories known;
And clouds arise and tempests blow,
By order from Thy throne.

6. Creatures that borrow life from Thee
Are subject to Thy care;
There's not a place where we can flee,
But God is present there.

I want to finish writing Owen's story.  I have gone over much of it already in some of my early posts.  But I want to think about him.  I want to be thankful for him.  I want to talk about him.   He was a blessing.  

Some of the details are starting to get a little fuzzy and that is frustrating for me.  I am glad that I did take the time to write those early posts because reading over them reminds me.  I will never forget him by any means, but the details start to fade.  


If you are new to this blog, you can get some of Owen's story under the "About Owen part 1 post....  )
One detail that I will not forget is walking into the hospital to deliver my baby.  When Derek came to the OB's office we talked with the midwife about what we wanted to do next.  There was no heartbeat...Owen was gone.   She said we could go home.  We could take a couple of days and then would induce me when I was ready or I could head over to the hospital and deliver him that day.  

We didn't hesitate.  I wanted to go right to the hospital.  I was in shock.  This wasn't happening.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I had to see him to be sure.  If I went home it would have been torture.   Plus, we have 2 small children at home.  How can they understand what is happening if nothing has changed from their perspective?  They would still see Mommy with a baby in her belly.  They wouldn't understand.  


So we drove up to the hospital.  What I distinctly remember walking into the hospital is seeing a man as I got out of my car walking thru the parking garage holding a boppy.  I'm not sure how I even made it into the hospital.  We were walking behind him and he was carrying a boppy in for his baby.  I tried not to look at him but I couldn't help myself.  His baby needed a boppy and mine never would.  I nursed both of my other 2 children and I am very intimately acquainted with the many many many uses of a boppy.  And I had a new one at home that was just for Owen.  It was heartwrenching.    Just those little things......


Like I've said before in previous posts, I do not have a bad thing to say about the staff at Akron General.  They were wonderful.  From the minute we walked onto the Labor and Delivery floor you could tell they were aware of what was happening and they were compassionate.  


Obviously I had to be induced since nothing at all was happening.  I have had an epidural and pitocin for induction with all 3 of my kids.  I had kind of been entertaining the thought off and on of trying to deliver Owen without the epidural before this happened.  I hate getting them and my body seems to take to them annoyingly well and I am  numb for hours and hours.  I couldn't feel a single thing when I had either one of the previous two.  Now, I realize, that some would say "great!  what are you complaining about!  Sounds like a good plan...besides, isn't that the point of an epidural!".  I just didn't like it.   I couldn't move for hours, it made me super groggy, I just didn't like it.  But it doesn't matter.  This time I didn't want to feel anything.  All those plans went out the window.  My midwife asked if I wanted a birthing ball etc etc.  No way.  I wanted the epidural.  I wanted to be numb.  I didn't want to know this was happening.  


Unfortunately this was the worst epidural I've had.  I got the shakes, which has never happened before, then I got sick....thought for sure I was going to puke.  Then at some point in there I am quite sure I just started freaking out.  Somewhere in the 5 or 6 hours I was there waiting for things to progress it must have started hitting me.  My baby was gone.  I still had to deliver him and go thru all that trauma and I would have no baby to take home with me when it was all said and done.  I would bear all the marks of someone who just had a baby without the only thing that makes it all worth it.  He was never coming home.  


As I have said before, delivering Owen was the most surreal thing I have ever had to endure.  It was almost total silence in between whispered bouts of encouragement to push.  It seemed like it took forever to deliver him...but he wasn't able to help at all.  And he was big.  8lbs 14 ozs.  and 19 1/2 inches long.  He was over a pound bigger than either his brother or his sister.


This is getting kind of long again, so I'll continue on next time......


I was thankful for so many things that day.  I wasn't prepared for what was happening but I am thankful again for family and friends who got us through and thought of things that we couldn't.  


And even right now..... I am sitting here finishing up this post.  My 3 year old just got up from her nap.  She wants a snack.  Cat in the Hat is on......she must get up and dance.  Right now.  There is music.  She must dance.   Thank you Lord for our children.  All 3 of them.  


- Cat

Back to Spurgeon and more good stuff

“What a fearful thing it is to be a mother!  But I have given my child to God.  I would not recall him if I could.  I am thankful He has counted me worthy to present Him so costly a gift.”
-Quote from Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss

I have had a difficult time getting back to this blog.... I enjoy writing and sharing Owen with anyone who will read this, but the last post I did about the day we found out we lost him was extremely draining.  Then came the holidays...  and in the midst of that Owen's headstone was set at the cemetary.  I think that was the hardest day yet.  It's just so final.  I had a much harder time handling that than I thought I would.  


I am continually reminded of God's grace through all of these trials.  He has not left us without hope and without comfort.  He has reminded us that we are not forgotten during this time through so many prayers, cards, emails, texts and messages from friends and family.    In the flood.....We are so thankful! 

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

So, I wanted to take some time here and share some of those things that are shareable with you.  I found such comfort in words, in quotes and in songs.  


Any of you who have known me at all, for any length of time would know that I LOVE horses.  Most little girls at one point or another go thru a some sort of horse obsession stage.  I just never "grew" out of it.  In fact, when I graduated college, the first thing I bought was a horse.  An unbroke, unrideable mare named Attitude.  It was ridiculous and frivolous and not very wise but I loved that mare!  What I really needed was a new car, but I bought a horse!  I broke her to saddle and spent countless hours with her.  When Derek and I got married, I sold her and she helped finance our honeymoon.  (Finally!  Something a little smarter!)  Fast forward about 2 years or so and my girlfriend, whom I providentially met thru Attitude, had moved her horses to her own farm where she was breeding and training and she had a little red fireball colt that she was not terribly interested in holding onto.  So, of course.... I wanted him!  It took a little convincing, but Derek finally gave in. How long can a girl be without a horse after all??  Malachi has been a part of our family ever since.  

  

All that is to say that on Christmas Day, I received a message from a friend with a link to Molly Piper's blog.  Molly lost her daughter, Felicity, in 2007 and I have found great help from her blog as I navigate thru our loss.  The post that was forwarded to me had an incredible song on it which I have listened to about 100 times and that is what I wanted to share. It was one of those moments where I could clearly see the Lord's hand in passing this along... 

White Horse
(Words and Music: Detweiler)

Bring me a white horse for Christmas
We’ll ride him through the town
Out into the snowy woods
Where we will both lie down

Underneath white birches
Our faces toward the sky
We will make snow angels
With our white horse standing by

Hush now baby
One day we’re gonna ride
Hush now baby
Our white horse through the sky

Bring me a white horse for Christmas
We’ll ride him through the snow
All the way to Bethlehem
2000 years ago

I wanna speak with the angel
Who said do not be afraid
I wanna kneel where the oxen knelt
Where the little child was laid

Hush now baby
One day you’re gonna ride
Hush now baby
Your white horse through the sky

No bridle will he be wearing
His unshod hoofs they will fly
Keep a watch out this Christmas
For that white horse in the sky

Hush now baby
One day we’re gonna ride
Hush now baby
Our white horse through the sky

Hush now baby
Let every angel sing
Hush now baby
One day we’ll ride again

As I said before, Christmas was hard this year.  I was expecting that, but even expectation doesn't prepare you for reality sometimes. Then in the midst of those moments He will give me a glimpse of eternity....  That is what the quote at the top of this post and the one that follows are.  They are glimpses of hope.  Of joy.  Of thankfulness that He knows better than I.  


And so I'll preface it just like it was sent to me. (thank you, dear friend!)

All right.  Now I have more from Stepping Heavenward for you...  Wisdom from Mrs. Campbell to Helen, but as good as it’s straight to you or to me.

 “I sometimes find it a help, when dull and cramped in my devotions, to say to myself: Suppose Christ should now appear before you  and you could see Him as He appeared to His disciples on earth, what would you say to Him?  This brings Him near, and I say what I would say if He were visibly present.  I do the same when a new sorrow threatens me.  I imagine my Redeemer as coming personally to me to say, ‘For your sake, I am a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; now for My sake give me this child, bear this burden, submit to this loss,’ Can I refuse Him?  Now, dear, He really has come to you in this way, and asked you to show your love to Him, your faith in Him, by giving Him the most precious of your treasures.  if He were here at this moment, and offered to restore it to you, would you dare to say, ‘Yes, Lord, I know, far better than You do, what is good for him and good for me; I will have him return to me, whatever it may cost; in this world of uncertainties and disappointments I shall be sure of happiness in his society, and he will enjoy more here on earth with me than he could enjoy in the companionship of saints and angels and of the Lord Himself in heaven,’  Could you dare say this?”

And finally, to close this post, here is the third and final installment from Spurgeon's Sermon on Infant Salvation.  This is my favorite part of the whole sermon.  May you find comfort wherever your are.  Truly our hope is in Christ Alone! 


III.  I now come to make a PRACTICAL USE OF THE DOCTRINE.
First, let it be a comfort to bereaved parents. You say it is a heavy cross that you have to carry. Remember, it is easier to carry a dead cross than a living one. To have a living cross is indeed a tribulation,—to have a child who is rebellious in his childhood, vicious in his youth, debauched in his manhood! Ah, would God that he had died from the birth; would God that he had never seen the light! Many a father's heirs have been brought with sorrow to the grave through his living children, but I think never through his dead babes, certainly not if he were a Christian, and were able to take the comfort of the apostle's words—"We sorrow not as they that are without hope." So you would have your child live? Ah, if you could have drawn aside the veil of destiny, and have seen to what he might have lived! Would you have had him live to ripen for the gallows? Would you have him live to curse his father's God? Would you have him live to make your home wretched to make you wet your pillow with tears, and send you to your daily work with your hands upon your loins because of sorrow? Such might have been the case; it is not so now, for your little one sings before the throne of God. Do you know from what sorrows your little one has escaped? You have had enough yourself. It was born of woman, it would have been of few days and full of trouble as you are. It has escaped those sorrows, do you lament that? Remember, too your own sins, and the deep sorrow of repentance. Had that child lived, it would have been a sinner, and it must have known the bitterness of conviction of sin. It has escaped that; it rejoices now in the glory of God. Then would you have it back again? Bereaved parents, could you for a moment see your own offspring above, I think you would very speedily wipe away your tears. There among the sweet voices which sing the perpetual carol may be heard the voice of your own child—an angel now, and you the mother of a songster before the throne of God. You might not have murmured had you received the promise that your child should have been elevated to the peerage, it has been elevated higher than that—to the peerage of heaven. It has received the dignity of the immortals, it is robed in better than royal garments it is more rich and more blessed than it could have been if all the crowns of earth could have been put upon its head. Wherefore, then would you complain? An old poet has penned a verse well fitted for an infant's epitaph;—

"Short was my life, the longer is my rest,
God takes those soonest whom he loveth best,
Who's born today, and dies tomorrow,
Loses some hours of joy, but months of sorrow.
Other diseases often come to grieve us,
Death restrikes but once, and that stroke doth relieve us."
Your child has had that one stroke and has been relieved from all these pains, and you may say of it, this much we know, he is supremely blessed, has escaped from sin, and care, and woe, and with the Savior rests. "Happy the babe," says Hervey, "who,
Privileged by faith, a shorter labor and a lighter weight,
Received but yesterday the gift of breath,
Ordered tomorrow to return to death."
While another says, looking upward to the skies,
"O blest exchange, O envied lot,
Without a conflict crowned,
Stranger to pain, in pleasure bless'd
And without fame, renowned."
So is it. It is well to fight and will, but to will as fairly without the fight! It is well to sing the song of triumph after we have passed the Red Sea with all its terrors, but to sing the song without the sea is glorious still! I do not know that I would prefer the lot of a child in heaven myself. I think it is nobler to have borne the storm, and to have struggled against the wind and the rain. I think it will be a subject of congratulation through eternity, for you and me, that we did not come so easy a way to heaven, for it is only a pin's prick after all, this mortal life; then there is exceeding great glory hereafter. But yet I think we may still thank God for those little ones that they have been spared our sins, and spared our infirmities, and spared our pains and are entered into the rest above. Thus saith the Lord unto thee, O Rachel, if thou weepest for thy children, and refuseth to be comforted because they are not: "Restrain thy voice from weeping, and thine eyes from tears, for thy work shall be rewarded with the Lord, and they shall come again from the land of the enemy."

The next and perhaps more useful and profitable inference to be drawn from the text is this: many of you are parents who have children in heaven. Is it not a desirable thing that you should go there, too? And yet have I not in these galleries and in this area some, perhaps many, who have no hope hereafter? In fact, you have left that which is beyond the grave to be thought of another day, you have given all your time and thoughts to the short, brief, and unsatisfactory pursuits of mortal life. Mother unconverted mother, from the battlements of heaven your child beckons you to Paradise. Father, ungodly, impenitent father, the little eyes that once—looked joyously on you, look down upon you now, and the lips which had scarcely learned to call you father, ere they were sealed by the silence of death, may be heard as with a still small voice, saying to you this morning, "Father, must we be for ever divided by the great gulf which no man can pass? "Doth not nature itself put a kind of longing in your soul that you may be bound in the bundle of life with your own children? Then stop and think. As you are at present, you cannot hope for that; for your way is sinful, you have forgotten Christ, you have not repented of sin, you have loved the wages of iniquity I pray thee go to thy chamber this morning and think of thyself as being driven from thy little ones, banished for ever from the presence of God, cast "where their worm dieth not and where their fire is not quenched." If thou wilt think of these matters, perhaps the heart will begin to move, and the eyes may begin to flow, and then may the Holy Spirit put before thine eyes the cross of the Savior the holy child Jesus! And remember, if thou wilt turn thine eye to him thou shalt live: if thou believest on him with all thy heart thou shalt be with him where He is,—with all those whom the Father gave him who have gone before Thou needest not to be shut out. Wilt thou sign thine own doom, and write thine own death warrant? Neglect not this great salvation but may the grace of God work with thee to make thee seek, for thou shalt find—to make thee knock, for the door shall be opened—to make thee ask, for he that asketh shall receive! O might I take you by the hand—perhaps you have come from a newly-made grave, or left the child at home dead, and God has made me a messenger to you this morning; O might I take you by the hand and say, "We cannot bring him back again, the spirit is gone beyond recall, but you may follow!" Behold the ladder of light before you! The first step upon it is repentance, out of thyself the next step is faith, into, Christ, and when thou art there, thou art fairly and safely on thy way, and ere long thou shalt be received at heaven's gates by those very little ones who have gone before, that they may come to welcome thee when thou shouldest land upon the eternal chores.

Yet another lesson of instruction, and I will not detain you much longer. What shall we say to parent who have living children? We have spoken of those that are dead, what shall we say of the living? I think I might say, reserve your tears, bereaved parents, for the children that live. You may go to the little grave, you may look upon it and say, "This my child is saved; it resteth for ever beyond all fear of harm." You may come back to those who are sitting round your table, and you can look from one to the other and say, "These my children, many of them are unsaved." Out of God, out of Christ, some of them are just ripening into manhood and into womanhood, and you can plainly see that their heart is like every natural heart, desperately wicked. There is subject for weeping for you. I pray you never cease to weep for them until they have ceased to sin, never cease to hope for them until they have ceased to live; never cease to pray for them until you yourself cease to breathe. Carry them before God in the arms of faith, and do not be desponding because they are not what you want them to be. They will be won yet if you have but faith in God. Do not think that it is hopeless. He that saved you can save them. Take them one by one constantly to God's mercy-seat and wrestle with Him, and say, "I will not let thee go except thou bless me." The promise is unto you and to your child, even to as many as the Lord your God shall call. Pray, strive, wrestle, and it shall yet be your happy lot to see your household saved. This was the word which the apostle gave to the gaoler, "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved and thy house." We have had many proofs of it, for in this pool under here I have baptised not only the father and the mother, but in many cases all the children too, who one after another have been brought by grace even to put their trust in Jesus. It should be the longing of every parent's heart to see all his offspring Christ's, and all that have sprung from his loins numbered in the host of those who shall sing around the throne of God. We may pray in faith, for we have a promise about it; we may pray in faith, for we have many precedents in Scripture, the God of Abraham is the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob, but for this good thing he will be inquired of by the House of Israel to do it for them. Inquire of Him, plead with Him, go before Him with the power of faith and earnestness, and He will surely hear you.


One word to all the congregation. A little child was saying the other day—and children will sometimes say strange things—"Papa, I cannot go back again." When he was asked what he meant, he explained that he was here, he had begun his life, and it seemed such a thought to him that he could not cease to be,—he could not go back again. You and I may say the same; here we are; we have grown up, we cannot go back again to that childhood in which we once were; we have therefore no door of escape there. Good John Bunyan used to wish that he had died when he was a child. Then again, he hoped he might be descended from some Jew, for he had a notion that the Hebrews might be saved. That door God has closed. Every door is closed to you and me except the one that is just in front of us, and that has the mark of the cross upon it. There is the golden knocker of prayer: do we choose to turn aside from that to find another,—a gate of ceremonies, or of blood, or of birth? We shall never enter that way. There is that knocker! By faith, great God, I will lift it now. "I, the chief of sinners am, have mercy upon me! "Jesus stands there. "Come in," saith he, "thou blessed of the Lord; wherefore standest thou without?" He receives me to his arms, washes, clothes, glorifies me, when I come to him. Am I such a fool that I do not knock? Yes, such I am by nature—then what a fool! O Spirit of God! make me wise to know my danger and my refuge! And now, sinner, in the name of him that liveth and was lead, and is alive for evermore, lay hold upon that knocker, lift it, give it a blow, and let your prayer be, ere thou leanest this sanctuary, "God be merciful to me a sinner!" May the Lord hear and bless, for his name's sake!

About Owen part 1

I will permanently bear the mark of a woman who has lost her child.  Many of us are walking here - in the grocery store, at the neighborhood barbeque, at the movies.  We walk without necessarily recognizing each other, side by side and a million miles apart.  If you are one of these women, I want you to know that as I write these words, I am praying for you.  I am mourning for what you have lost in this life.  I am praying that God will  fill you as only He can, and that in time, you (and I) will be with our daughters and sons again.
-Angie Smith (from her book, I Will Carry You)




I realized, at some point this week that I went right into this blog without really explaining what happened to Owen...Everything was so sudden and unexpected that I'm not sure I even have a handle on it myself somedays.  This ended up being a much longer post than I thought it would, so I'll save part 3 of Spurgeon's sermon for next week.....

Owen Paul Marx was due August 23rd, 2011.   I never in a million years thought I would make it to my due date.  I was HUGE and both Braden and Addison had been early, although not by much.  I thought I would maybe be a week or so early with Owen.  He was my third so I thought maybe things would move along a little faster.  As I went into that last month, I felt great.... I even remember laughing when I was making those last several appointments and the receptionist scheduled me for an appt. on my due date and for the week after.  I thought, there's no way I'll be at those.  

Towards the end of the pregnancy I was having Braxton Hicks contractions like crazy....  Owen was head down and had been for some time.  Everything was ready.....  We repainted Braden's room because the boys were going to share.  We painted it a dark orange color, sort of like a basketball and I found sports stickers to put on the walls and he finally got his new curtains put up.  Braden was so excited.  I even found a super cool cribskirt that reminded us of a football.  I had the changing table ready and was having to remind Braden less and less to use it as a toybox  because we had to have room for baby brother.  I had all Owen's clothes washed and ready for him....they are still waiting for him in the dresser.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to take them out of there.  They are his.

On August 23rd, I went in for my weekly appointment.  My midwife was so suprised to even see me, she thought for sure I would have gone in by now.  My blood pressure was great, no swelling, good weight gain...I felt great.  We listened to his heartbeat.... it was 150...same as always.  I was still only 1-2cm dilated, which I had been for a couple of weeks.  Owen just didn't seem to be in a hurry.  I think he was my mellow baby.  I was so looking forward to that!  For any of you that know Addison, you would know why! HA HA HA  I love  her dearly but boy oh boy can she be something else.... she is our little princess, and she'll let you know it.

So, at that appt. on the 23rd, she said she would schedule me to have an ultrasound and a non-stress test on the baby for August 30th and if for some crazy reason I actually made it to that appointment we would plan on inducing me.  She said she didn't expect that I would make it to that appointment, everything was ready to go.  So, I left there figuring I would be going into labor SOON....

I went to bed nearly every night that week thinking I would be going into labor.  I was having contractions so frequently but as soon as I would lay down or change positions they would go away.  I was actually getting used to having them all the time, which is crazy :)    I wish now that I would have just enjoyed that extra week I had with Owen...if only I would have known that it would be our last week together.....


On Tuesday, August 30th, I was 41 weeks...  I was blessed to have an extra week with our baby.  Monday night into Tuesday morning had been hard.  I was having contractions from about midnight until 5:30am.  There were completely irregular. I would have a few... start thinking, this is it!  I should time these!  Then they would go away completely for an hour.  I would finally fall asleep and then I would have another one that would wake me up.  I would think... this is is!  I should time these!  Then they would go away....  this went on for a long time.  I was getting really crabby.  I couldn't wait for my appointment that afternoon.  I thought SURELY all these contractions have to be doing SOMETHING!  I got up at 5:30 or so and had to go to the bathroom.  Owen was moving around... I know it.  I remember him wiggling around.
That is really the last thing I can concretely remember about that day up until the ultrasound.  I know I felt him moving at 5:30am.

And now for that parts that I want to forget....

My appointment for the ultrasound was at 2:15pm.  I went in there kind of laughing with the ultrasound tech because we were talking about how big I was.  She was going to try and get a good gauge on Owen's size and make sure he was still in position.  The first thing she checked was his position.  She said, "that's good, he's head down...looks good".  Then she moved the wand up.  As she did that I remember getting a little panicky feeling because on the drive up to the ultrasound I had a fleeting thought that I hadn't felt him move in a while and I just wanted to see that heartbeat and see him wiggling around.  I was searching the screen for his heartbeat..I didn't know what I was looking for I was just searching and searching for it.  It seemed like forever, but it was probably only a few seconds.  In that same moment I heard those words that I wish I could forget.  She just blurted out... "Catherine....there's no heartbeat."    And I knew it.  I knew she was right....   Lord have mercy on us... I knew she was right.


Psalm 57:1  Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast.



Psalm 22:19  But be not thou far from me, O LORD: O my strength, haste thee to help me.

Psalm 33:20  Our soul waiteth for the LORD: he is our help and our shield.


Psalm 38:22  Make haste to help me, O Lord  my salvation.


Psalm 40:13  Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me: O LORD, make haste to help me


Psalm 62:8  Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.

The ultrasound tech was young....  I was asked later by someone if she was kind when she told me that there was no heartbeat.   What I remember is panic.  I think she was totally shocked and just blurted it out.  Then she ran to go get my midwife.  I remember asking her over and over again if she was sure...she checked a couple more times.  She was sure.  Owen was gone. His little heart was not beating.

The nightmare just goes on.  I went by myself to the ultrasound.  Derek was working and I just figured, if they had to induce me then I would just call him when that all got squared away and he could head over to the hospital then. I never dreamed something like this would or could happen.  Who loses their baby at 41 weeks?  Who?  Those things just don't happen.....  
All that naivete is gone now.

I had to call Derek and tell him the worst news of our lives.  I couldn't even talk.  I was bawling and not making any sense... my midwife took the phone from me and told him what happened.  My poor husband.... he was up on a roof when I called him and then he had to drive 20 minutes to the office.  Then I called my mom... she was watching the kids while I was at my appt.  Then I called one of my two best friends in the world... I couldn't even handle calling anyone else and asked her to do it....  horrible horrible horrible.......  a day  I want to forget.
When Derek finally came to the office I just remember asking him over and over again how we were going to tell the kids.  They were waiting for their baby brother.  How were we going to tell them??  What were we going to tell them?  We didn't even understand it ourselves.


Psalm 46:1  God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.


Psalm 30:10  Hear, O LORD, and have mercy upon me: LORD, be thou my helper. 

Psalm 91:2  I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.


To be continued in my next post.....

Spurgeon Part 2

Psalm 73:28

But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works.

It's been a rough week here.... I think the reality of  "life goes on" is hitting me.  Babies are being born, babies are due soon and pregnancies are being announced.  Just makes me wonder why Owen isn't here with us.....   I know it's all in His timing and in His providence, but that doesn't make it any easier.

A pregnancy is LONG....  such a sweet anticipation over those 9 months.  And there's not only that... if you have ever had trouble conceiving, then you know full well that there is all that time of waiting and wondering each month added to those 9 months.  It took us a almost a year to finally get pregnant with Owen.  That is months and months of hoping and praying and disappointment and finally JOY.   We were so excited for Owen...    The beginning of my pregnancy was hard.  I was sicker than I had been with Braden and Addison and I thought many times, this is it!  Last one!  I can't do this again....     OH, if I could just go back in time so I could sit quietly with him while he kicked and flipped and did somersaults in my belly.  There's nothing quite like that.  I miss him so much.
I think I'll leave it at that for this week....  

I wanted to share a poem that was sent to me this week (Thank you Kristine!) and then under that will be Part 2 of the Spurgeon sermon I started last week on Infant Salvation.   I hope you will find comfort and encouragement knowing that God works ALL things for good.

The Cord

We are connected,

My child and I, by

An invisible cord

Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord

That connects us 'til birth

This cord can't been seen

By any on Earth.

This cord does its work

Right from the start.

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my child to me.

The strength of this cord

Is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed

It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord

Man could create

It withstands the test

Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,

Though you're not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart

I am bruised...I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline

As never before.

I am thankful that God

Connects us this way

A mother and child

Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

Part 2:  Charles Spurgeon on Infant Salvation.  If you missed the first part, please take a look back at my post from Nov. 3rd.

II. This brings me now to note THE REASONS WHY WE THUS THINK INFANTS ARE SAVED.

First, we ground our conviction very much upon the goodness of the nature of God. We say that the opposite doctrine that some infants perish and are lost, is altogether repugnant to the idea which we have of Him whose name is love. If we had a God, whose name was Moloch, if God were an arbitrary tyrant, without benevolence or grace, we could suppose some infants being cast into hell; but our God, who heareth the young ravens when they cry, certainly will find no delight in the shrieks and cries of infants cast away from his presence. We read of him that he is so tender, that he careth for oxen, that he would not have the mouth of the ox muzzled, that treadeth out the corn. Nay, he careth for the bird upon the nest, and would not have the mother bird killed while sitting upon its nest with its little ones. He made ordinances and commands even for irrational creatures. He finds food for the most loathsome animal, nor does he neglect the worm any more than the angel, and shall we believe with such universal goodness as this, that he would cast away the infant soul.  I say it would be clear contrary to all that we have ever read or ever believed of Him, that our faith would stagger before a revelation which should display a fact so singularly exceptional to the tenor of his other deeds. We have learned humbly to submit our judgments to his will, and we dare not criticise or accuse the Lord of All; we believe him to be just, let him do as he may, and therefore, whatever he might reveal we would accept; but he never has, and I think he never will require of us so desperate a stretch of faith as to see goodness in the eternal misery of an infinite cast into hell. You remember when Jonah—petulant, quick-tempered Jonah—would have Nineveh perish God gave it as the reason why Nineveh should not be destroyed, that there were in it more than six score thousand infants,—persons, he said, who knew not their light hand from their left. If he spared Nineveh that their mortal life might be spared, think you that their immortal souls shall be needlessly cast away! I only put it to your own reason. It is not a case where we need much argument. Would your God cast away an infant? If yours could, I am happy to say he is not the God that I adore.

Again, we think it would be inconsistent utterly with the known character of our Lord Jesus Christ. When his disciples put away the little children whom their anxious mothers brought to him, Jesus said, "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not for of such is the kingdom of heaven," by which he taught, as John Newton very properly says, that such as these made up a very great part of the kingdom of heaven. And when we consider that upon the best statistics it is calculated that more than one third of the human race die in infancy, and probably if we take into calculation those districts where infanticide prevails, as in heathen countries, such as China and the like, perhaps one half of the population of the world die before they reach adult years,—the saying of the Savior derives great force indeed," Of such is the kingdom of heaven." If some remind me that the kingdom of heaven means the dispensation of grace on earth, I answer, yes, it does, and it means the same dispensation in heaven too, for while part of the kingdom of heaven is on earth in the Church, since the Church is always one, that other part of the Church which is above is also the kingdom of heaven. We know this text is constantly used as a proof of baptism, but in the first place, Christ did not baptize them, for "Jesus Christ baptized not."  In the second place, his disciples did not baptize them, for they withstood their coming, and would have driven them away. Then if Jesus did not, and his disciple did not, who did?  It has no more to do with baptism than with circumcision. There is not the slightest allusion to baptism in the text, or in the context; and I can prove the circumcision of infants from it with quite as fair logic as others attempt to prove infant baptism. However, it does prove this, that infants compose a great part of the family of Christ, and that Jesus Christ is known to have had a love and amiableness towards the little ones. When they shouted in the temple, "Hosanna!" did he rebuke them? No; but rejoiced in their boyish shouts. "Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings hath God ordained strength," and does not that text seem to say that in heaven there shall be "perfect praise" rendered to God by multitudes of cherubs who were here on earth—your little ones fondled in your bosom—and then suddenly snatched away to heaven. I could not believe it of Jesus, that he would say to little children, "Depart, ye accursed, into everlasting fire in hell!" I cannot conceive it possible of him as the loving and tender one, that when he shall sit to judge all nations, he should put the little ones on the left hand, and should banish them for ever from his presence. Could he address them, and say to them, "I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat; I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink, sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not? "How could they do it? And if the main reason of damnation lie in sins of omission like there which it was not possible for them to commit, for want of power to perform the duty how, then, shall he condemn and cast them away?

Furthermore, we think that the ways of grace, if we consider them, render it highly improbable, not to say impossible, that an infant soul should be destroyed. What saith Scripture? "Where sin abounded, grace did much more abound." Such a thing as that could not be said of an infant cast away. We know that God is so abundantly gracious that such expressions as the "unsearchable riches of Christ," "God who is rich in mercy," "A God full of compassion," "The exceeding riches of his grace," and the like are truly applicable without exaggeration or hyperbole. We know that he is good to all, and his tender mercies are over all his works, and that in grace he is able to do "exceeding abundantly above what we can ask or even think." The grace of God has sought out in the world the greatest sinners. It has not passed by the vilest of the vile. He who called himself the chief of sinners was a partaker of the love of Christ. All manner of sin and of blasphemy have been forgiven unto man. He has been able to save unto the uttermost them that come unto God by Christ, and doesn't it seem consistent with such grace as this that it should pass by the myriads upon myriads of little ones, who wear the image of the earthy Adam, and never stamp upon them the image of the heavenly? I cannot conceive such a thing. He that has tasted and felt, and handled the grace of God, will, I think, shrink instinctively from any other doctrine than this, that infants dying such, are most assuredly saved.

Once again one of the strongest inferential arguments is to be found in the fact that Scripture positively states that the number of saved souls at the last will be very great. In the Revelation we read of a number that no man can number. The Psalmist speaks of them as numerous as dew drops from the womb of the morning. Many passages give to Abraham, as the father of the faithful, a seed as many as the stars of heaven, or as the sand on the sea shore. Christ is to see of the travail of his soul and be satisfied; surely it is not a little that will satisfy him. The virtue of the precious redemption involves a great host who were redeemed. All Scripture seems to tenon that heaven will not be a narrow world, that its population will not be like a handful gleaned out of a vintage, but that Christ shall be glorified by ten thousand times ten thousand, whom he hath redeemed with his blood. Now where are they to come from? How small a part of the map could be called Christian! Look at it. Out of that part which could be called Christian, how small a portion of them would bear the name of believer! How few could be said to have even a nominal attachment to the Church of Christ? Out of this, how many are hypocrites, and know not the truth! I do not see it possible, unless indeed the millennium age should soon come, and then far exceed a thousand years, I do not see how it is possible that so vast a number should enter heaven, unless it be on the supposition that infant souls constitute the great majority. It is a sweet belief to my own mind that there will be more saved than lost, for in all things Christ is to have the pre-eminence, and why not in this? It was the thought of a great divine that perhaps at the last the number of the lost would not bear a greater proportion to the number of the saved, than do the number of criminals in gaols to those who are abroad in a properly-conducted state. I hope it may be found to be so. At any rate, it is not my business to be asking, "Lord, are there few that shall be saved?" The gate is strait, but the Lord knows how to bring thousands through it without making it any wider, and we ought not to seek to shut any out by seeking to make it narrower. Oh! I do know that Christ will have the victory, and that as he is followed by streaming hosts, the black prince of hell will never be able to count so many followers in his dreary train as Christ in his resplendent triumph. And if so we must have the children saved; yea, brethren, if not so, we must have them, because we feel anyhow they must be numbered with the blessed, and dwell with Christ hereafter.

Now for one or two incidental matters which occur in Scripture, which seem to throw a little light also on the subject. You have not forgotten the case of David. His child by Bathsheba was to die as a punishment for the father's offense. David prayed, and fasted, and vexed his soul; at last they tell him the child is dead. He fasted no more, but he said, "I shall go to him, he shall not return to me." Now, where did David expect to go to? Why, to heaven surely. Then his child must ways been there, for he said, "I shall go to him." I do not hear him say the same of Absalom. He did not stand over his corpse, and say, "I shall go to him;" he had no hope for that rebellious son. Over this child it was not—"O my son! would to God I had died for thee!" No, he could let this babe go with perfect confidence, for he said, "I shall go to him." "I know," he might have said, "that He hath made with me an everlasting covenant, ordered in all things and sure, and when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil, for he is with me, I shall go to my child, and in heaven we shall be re-united with each other." You remember, thus, those instances which I have already quoted, where children are said to have been sanctified from the womb. It casts this light upon the subject, it shows it not to be impossible that a child should be a partaker of grace while yet a babe. Then you have the passage, "Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings he hath perfected praise." The coming out of Egypt was a type of the redemption of the chosen seed, and you know that in that case the little ones were to go forth, nay, not even a hoof was to be left behind. Why not children in the greater deliverance to join in the song of Moses and of the Lamb? And there is a passage in Ezekiel, for where we have but little, we must pick up even the crumbs, and do as our Master did—gather up the fragments that nothing be lost—there is a passage in Ezekiel, sixteenth chapter, twenty-first verse, where God is censuring his people for having given up their little infants to Moloch, having caused them to pass through the fire, and he says of these little ones, "Thou hast slain my children, and delivered them to cause them to pass through the fire," so, then, they were God's children those little ones who died in the red-hot arms of Moloch while babes, God calls "my children." We may, therefore, believe concerning all those who have fallen asleep in these early days of life, that Jesus said of them, "These are my children," and that he now to-day, while he leads his sheep unto loving fountains of water, does not forget still to carry out his own injunction, "Feed my lambs." Yea, to-day even he carrieth "the lambs in his bosom," and even before the eternal throne he is not ashamed to say, "Behold I and the children whom thou hast given me." There is another passage in Scripture which I think may be used. In the first chapter of Deuteronomy there has been a threatening pronounced upon the children of Israel in the wilderness, that, with the exception of Caleb and Joshua, they should never see the promised land; nevertheless, it is added. "Your little ones, which ye said should be a prey and your children, which in that day had no knowledge between good and evil, they shall go in thither, and unto them will I give it, and they shall possess it." To you, fathers and mothers who fear not God, who live and die unbelieving, I would say, your unbelief cannot shut your children out of heaven and I bless God for that. While you cannot lay hold on that text which says "The promise is unto us and our children, even to as many as the Lord our God shall call," yet inasmuch as the sin of the generation in the wilderness did not shut the next generation out of Canaan but they did surely enter in, so the sin of unbelieving parents shall not necessarily be the ruin of their children, but they shall still, through God's sovereign grace and his overflowing mercy, be made partakers of the rest which he hath reserved for his people. Understand that this morning I have not made a distinction between the children of godly and ungodly parents. If they die in infancy, I do not mind who is father nor who their mother, they are saved; I do not even endorse the theory of a good Presbyterian minister who supposes that the children of godly parents will have a better place in heaven than those who happen to be sprung from ungodly ones. I do not believe in any such thing. I am not certain that there are any degrees in heaven at an; and even if there were, I am not clear that even that would prove our children to have any higher rights than others. All of them without exception, from whosoever loins they may have sprung, will, we believe, not by baptism, not by their parents' faith, but simply as we are all saved through the election of God, through the precious blood "Christ, through the regenerating influence of the Holy Spirit, attain to glory and Immortality, and wear the image of the heavenly as they have worn the image of the earthy.

To be continued with part 3 in my next post

-Cat

Now what?

"Sadness is just love wasted.....

with no little heart to place it inside"

-Craig Cardiff, Smallest and Wingless

When I received Owen's pictures from the photographer with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she also put all the pictures she took and put together a slideshow.  The quote above is from the song, Smallest and Wingless, that she used on that slideshow.  The words to that song are heartbreaking because it reflects what we are going through, and yet at the same time, I love to listen to it.  I think maybe because it reminds me that we aren't the only ones to have lost a baby and so we aren't alone

Just this past week we passed the 2 month mark since we lost Owen.  It's been difficult, but I am thankful everyday for Braden and Addison.  I don't know what I would do without them.  I was so thankful when we were at the hospital having Owen that I had them to come home to.  What a blessing it was to have two little arms to hug and hold.  It doesn't make me miss Owen any less, but it made it a little easier to come home....

There are some days, when quite honestly, I just want to be sad.  I feel a cloud hanging over me, I can't seem to stop thinking about Owen or about the ultrasound where I found out he was gone.  Some days I'll just go online and read other women's blogs about their losses and just cry.  Other days, I'm not quite as dramatic but I still struggle.  I feel, at those moments, like I could be starting to come out of the fog a little bit.  Life moves on....  we have passed some of those events over the past couple of months where I was expecting to have a baby with me while we did such and such or went here or there and we have survived....I have survived.  I know the holidays are  coming here shortly and will be hard, but some of those early milestones were harder because his loss was so close at hand and I was planning those things around his birth.

I am trying to find my "new normal" each day.... a couple of days a week I go out to the barn to see my horse and "play" for a bit while the kids are in school.  It's been nice, but every time I think how nice it is to go out there in the mornings, my very next thought is, "but I'd rather have Owen...".  That is a reoccurring theme anytime I do anything while the kids are in school.... life would have been different with Owen here.  So this is my "new normal" and I'm still just trying to figure it out. But, I would rather have Owen here.  

Tuesday, on my way out to the barn I heard a song that I very distinctly remember hearing on the way to my ultrasound.  I remember it, because I love to belt it out in the car and I know I was singing it at the top of my lungs that day wondering if Owen was enjoying my serenade.  It seems that with each of my kids there is a particular song or cd that reminds me of when I was pregnant with each of them, so that was really hard to hear again.  There are instances like that which come up out of the blue and catch me off guard, but thankfully it is happening less and less....or I'm just handling it better.  I'm not actually sure which it is, quite frankly.

Anyways, that's the latest update here....   so in many ways, I'm asking myself "Now what?"  What is next for us....  I know that we will be grieving Owen's loss for months and years to come, and I have no idea what that will look like as time passes but I do know that God is faithful in all these things.  He has brought this trial to our door for a purpose.  Maybe He will use Owen's death to bring someone to a saving faith in Christ.  Maybe He is using it to remind me that I need to cling to Him.  Maybe we will never understand what the purpose is this side of heaven, though I hope we do....

In light of those thoughts, I would like to share a sermon from Charles Spurgeon that has given me immense comfort over the past couple of months.  It is on the question of infant salvation.  I'll break it up over several posts for the sake of space, so here is the first installment:

"Is it well with the child? And she answered, It is well"—2 Kings 4:26.

THE SUBJECT of this morning's discourse will be "Infant Salvation." It may not possibly be interesting to all present, but I do not remember to have preached upon this subject to this congregation, and I am anxious moreover that the printed series should contain sermons upon the whole range of theology. I think there is no one point which ought to be left out in our ministry, even though it may only yield comfort to a class. Perhaps the larger proportion of this audience have at some time or other had to shed the briny tear over the child's little coffin;—it may be that through this subject consolation may be afforded to them. This good Shunammite was asked by Gehazi, whether it was well with herself. She was mourning over a lost child, and yet she said, "It is well;" she felt that the trial would surely be blessed. "Is it well with thy husband?" He was old and stricken in years, and was ripening for death, yet she said, "Yes, it is well." Then came the question about her child,  who was dead at home, and the inquiry would renew her griefs, "Is it well with the child?" Yet she said, "It is well," perhaps so answering because she had a faith that soon the child should be restored to her, and that his temporary absence was well; or I think rather because she was persuaded that whatever might have become of his spirit, it was safe in the keeping of God, happy beneath the shadow of His wings. Therefore, not fearing that the child was lost, having no suspicion whatever that he was cast away from the place of bliss—for that suspicion would have quite prevented her giving such answer—she said "Yes, the child is dead, but 'it is well.'"
Now, let every mother and father here present know assuredly that it is well with the child, if God hath taken it away from you in its infant days. You never heard its declaration of faith—it was not capable of such a thing—it was not baptized into the Lord Jesus Christ, not buried with him in baptism; it was not capable of giving that "answer of a good conscience towards God;" nevertheless, you may rest assured that it is well with the child, well in a higher and a better sense than it is well with yourselves; well without limitation, well without exception, well infinitely, "well" eternally. Perhaps you will say, "What reasons have we for believing that it is well with the child?" Before I enter upon that I would make one observation. It has been wickedly, lyingly, and slanderously said of Calvinists, that we believe that some little children perish. Those who make the accusation know that their charge is false. I cannot even dare to hope, though I would wish to do so, that they ignorantly misrepresent us. They wickedly repeat what has been denied a thousand times, what they know is not true. In Calvin's advice to Omit, he interprets the second commandment "shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me," as referring to generations, and hence he seems to teach that infants who have had pious ancestors, no matter how remotely, dying as infants are saved. This would certainly take in the whole race. As for modern Calvinists, I know of no exception, but we all hope and believe that all persons dying in infancy are elect. Dr. Gill, who has been looked upon in late times as being a very standard of Calvinism, not to say of ultra-Calvinism, himself never hints for a moment the supposition that any infant has perished, but affirms of it that it is a dark and mysterious subject, but that it is his belief, and he thinks he has Scripture to warrant it, that they who have fallen asleep in infancy have not perished, but have been numbered with the chosen of God, and so have entered into eternal rest. We have never taught the contrary, and when the charge is brought, I repudiate it and say, "You may have said so, we never did, and you know we never did. If you dare to repeat the slander again, let the lie stand in scarlet on your very cheek if you be capable of a blush." We have never dreamed of such a thing. With very few and rare exceptions, so rare that I never heard of them except from the lips of slanderers, we have never imagined that infants dying as infants have perished, but we have believed that they enter into the paradise of God.

First, then, this morning, I shall endeavor to explain the way in which we believed infants are saved; secondly, give reasons for so believing; and then, thirdly, seek to bring out a practical use of the subject.

I. First of all, THE WAY IN WHICH WE BELIEVE INFANTS TO BE SAVED.

Some ground the idea of the eternal blessedness of the infant upon its innocence. We do no such thing; we believe that the infant fell in the first Adam, "for in Adam all died." All Adam's posterity, whether infant or adult, were represented by him—he stood for them all, and when he fell, he fell for them all. There was no exception made at all in the covenant of works made with Adam as to infants dying; and inasmuch as they were included in Adam, though they have not sinned after the similitude of Adam's transgression, they have original guilt. They are "born in sin and steepen in iniquity; in sin do their mothers conceive them;" so saith David of himself, and (by inference) of the whole human race. If they be saved, we believe it is not because of any natural innocence. They enter heaven by the very same way that we do; they are receivers in the name of Christ. "Other foundation can no man lay than that which is laid," and I do not think nor dream that there is a different foundation for the infant than that which is laid for the adult. And equally is it far from our minds to believe that infants go to heaven through baptism—not to say, in the first place, that we believe infant sprinkling to be a human and carnal invention, an addition to the Word of God, and therefore wicked and injurious. When we reflect that it is rendered into some thing worse than superstition by being accompanied with falsehood, when children are taught that in their baptism they are made the children of God, and inheritors of the kingdom of heaven, which is as base a lie as ever was forged in hell, or uttered beneath the copes of heaven, our spirit sinks at the fearful errors which have crept into the Church, through the one little door of infant sprinkling. No; children are not saved because they are baptized, for if so, the Puseyite is quite right in refusing to bury our little children if they die unbaptized. Yes, the barbarian is quite right in driving the parent, as he does to this day, from the church yard of his own national Church, and telling him that his child may rot above-ground, and that it shall not be buried except it be at the dead of night, because the superstitious drops have never fallen on its brow. He is right enough if that baptism made the child a Christian, and if that child could not be saved without it. But a thing so revolting to feeling, is at once to be eschewed by Christian men. The child is saved, if snatched away by death as we are, on another ground than that of rites and ceremonies, and the will of man.

On what ground, then, do we believe the child to be saved? We believe it to be as lost on the rest of mankind, and as truly condemned by the sentence which said, "In the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." It is saved because it is elect. In the compass of election, in the Lamb's Book of Life, we believe there shall be found written millions of souls who are only shown on earth, and then stretch their wings for heaven. They are saved, too, because they were redeemed by the precious blood of Jesus Christ. He who shed his blood for all his people, bought them with the same price with which he redeemed their parents, and therefore are they saved because Christ was sponsor for them, and suffered in their room and stead. They are saved, again not without regeneration, for, "except a man"—the text does not mean an adult man but a person, a being of the human race—"except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." No doubt, in some mysterious manner the Spirit of God regenerates the infant soul, and it enters into glory made meet to be a partaker of the inheritance of the saints in light. That this is possible is proved from Scripture instances. John the Baptist was filled with the Holy Ghost from his mother's womb. We read of Jeremiah also, that the same had occurred to him; and of Samuel we find that while yet a babe the Lord called him. We believe, therefore, that even before the intellect can work, God, who worketh not by the will of man, nor by blood, but by the mysterious agency of his Holy Spirit, creates the infant soul a new creature in Christ Jesus, and then it enters into the "rest which remaineth for the people of God." By election, by redemption, by regeneration, the child enters into glory, by the selfsame door by which every believer in Christ Jesus hopes to enter, and in no other way. If we could not suppose that children could be saved in the same way as adults, if it would be necessary to suppose that God's justice must be infringe, or that his plan of salvation must be altered to suit their cases, then we should be in doubt; but we can see that with the same appliances, by the same plan, on precisely the same grounds, and through the same agencies, the infant soul can behold the Savior a face in glory everlasting, and therefore we are at ease upon the matter.

TO BE CONTINUED IN NEXT POST.......
-Cat