Tuesday, September 20, 2011

A Brick in my Pocket

“If you know someone who has lost a child, and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died–you’re not reminding them. They didn’t forget they died. What you’re reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift.”
-Elizabeth Edwards

I heard a quote recently during the coverage of 9/11, where a reporter asked a widow about the loss of her husband and she likened his loss to a brick in her pocket.  I think the quote is originally from the movie "Rabbit Hole", which I have never seen.  At any rate, she said that you might not think about it every day or every moment, but you never forget it's there.  You are always carrying this brick in you pocket.  For me right now, that is a good description of how I feel.  I have good moments and I have bad moments.  It doesn't take much for the tears to well up and there are just some days when I feel this cloud hanging over me.
It's been a tough week, things are kind of calming down and  last Monday was the first day since we lost Owen that I've really been "alone" once I took the kids to school.  It is during this time that I feel the loss of him the most because this was supposed to be our one on one time...  The house is so quiet without the kids and without out our baby.  It just stinks.....  

I made some phone calls this week as well to try and find out when we might hear some results from the autopsy.  I guess that can take 6-8 weeks to come back.  So, I feel like I'm on hold waiting for that....   I am just praying that "something" comes back.  I am holding onto hope that "something" happened to Owen that was inevitable and unpreventable.  I know that sounds crazy given the fact that I know and believe that nothing happens outside of God's Sovereign hand, and that even if I had asked to be induced a week earlier it wouldn't have changed His purposes.... but that fleshly part of me still thinks that if the results don't come back with some kind of genetic "issue" or congenital defect then I will be questioning those last days of the pregnancy and what I should of, would of, could have done....

Last week we went and picked out Owen's headstone...that was really hard.  I was feeling "good" about it and liked the little picture we picked out of a baby in a bassinet with an angel bending over it... then I ran into Kohl's for something and saw a woman with a newborn baby in a carrier and realized that I was feeling "good" about picking out a headstone!  I just keep thinking we "shouldn't" be doing this!  We "should" have our baby home with us and I "should" be taking him shopping with me instead of shopping for a grave marker.  I just don't understand what happened....  How could I make it through an entire pregnancy and lose him right at the end? 

So, all this is to ask that you continue to pray for us...    I am hoping for answers when the autopsy comes back, but there is no guarantee of that, so please pray that no matter what the findings are that we would continue to look to Christ, where we would truly find peace, comfort, and hope.

1 comment:

  1. The loss of a stillborn baby is particularly horrible. Everything about it is so opposite of what it should have been. No preparation, just anticipation of life.

    We will keep praying for you. You will always have a brick in your pocket, but you *will* survive this. And you *will* meet Owen again.

    The rivers of sorrow will be up to your nostrils for awhile, but He will be with you. And we will be crying along with you and hurting with you.