Friday, September 2, 2011
Owen Paul Marx...precious son and much hoped for baby brother
Owen Paul passed away on his birthday, August 30 2011. His loss has been unexpected and unbearable. I have so much that I want to share about the last few days, but I am just not ready to talk about things too much and I thought it might be cathartic to be able to write things down as I think of them. I want everyone to know Owen and be able to meet him in some small way. At the same time I want to be able to grieve our loss and grieve for the baby brother that Braden and Addison are missing.
My husband was talking about Isaiah 43 to me yesterday and was mentioning the comfort that he was finding in verse 2 where we are told that the rivers will not overflow us because He is with us as we pass through the waters and I just found it incredibly reassuring in that moment because I do find sometimes that I will drown in all these tears and that they will never stop. Even I am amazed at how much I can cry.
Even so, in the midst of this flood, I am seeing each and every day the multiple blessings we have been given. I thank God for my husband. I know Derek is hurting and grieving as much as I am, but I am thankful that he is my rock. He holds it together when I am falling apart and I can see so clearly the true Rock upon which he is gaining his strength. It's been strengthening for us, when we have quiet time at night to cry and talk about Owen and how much we don't understand and how we will miss him forever. And I can see during this time how much he loves being a Daddy and how deeply he feels the loss of Owen. Even his name...Owen... that was the name that Derek has always wanted if we were blessed with another son. I remember him mentioning that 5 years ago after we had Braden and I always teased him about it and would pretend like we were still thinking about other names. But, it was always Owen.... Daddy picked that name out a long time ago and it was perfect.
I am thankful for our families. The support we have gotten has been overwhelming and I know that both of our parents and siblings would do anything and everything for us. I think back to how I have always been so unsure of myself and what the right thing to do or say for someone who has experienced a loss like this is and I now I see and feel that the right thing to do is to just be there. I don't even know what I need half the time and I am thankful for both of our parents that they are just coming over here and "doing". Braden and Addison love their grandparents and this time for them has been precious as well, even though they don't understand the reason for it. I am thankful for my sister, who stayed with Braden and Addison until it was time for them to come to the hospital... I know she wanted to be there with us from the beginning and yet how precious was that time for Braden and Addison to be oblivious to what was happening and able to play with Aunt Amanda and Frank. I am thankful for my sisters-in-law who stayed with me and talked with me and even mowed our grass! It's all these little moments that make you realize how much family means.
I am thankful for the dear friends that the Lord has blessed me with. I was told over and over again at the hospital over those awful hours how amazing my friends were. You girls know what you did and how much you mean to me. Things have been taken care of and thought of that I didn't even know that I needed. It has been precious and incredible to think over those long years of friendships and to know that the Lord knitted them together long before this tragedy threatened to overwhelm me. What a blessing in the midst of a flood!
I know also that the Lord has blessed us richly in dear family and friendships and that I have a ton of emails, as well as messages and posts on facebook. I am thankful to each and every one of you who has felt this loss with us and I am trying to steel myself to read all of those notes. I will hopefully get to it over the next few days. I will read them all and I know that I will be encouraged by the love and prayers that have gone up and continue to go up on our behalf.
I can still believe that
a day comes for all of us,
however far off it may be,
when we shall understand;
when these tragedies
that now blacken and darken
the very air of heaven for us
will sink into their places
in a scheme so august,
so magnificent, so joyful,
that we shall laugh
for wonder and delight
-Arthur Christoper Bacon (Thank you Kristine, for this....)