Friday, September 30, 2011

One Month...

"...the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."
-Job 1:21

It's hard to believe that it's been one month since we lost Owen.  Whenever these little markers arrive I try not to think about them too much.....  One week, two weeks, one month.  It's unbelievable.  My ultrasound appt. was at 2:15pm a month ago when I learned that Owen was gone.  That is the one moment in time I would most like to forget about.  It is the ultrasound tech's voice I hear most nights when I close my eyes telling me that there was no heartbeat.  I don't think I will ever forget the panic in her voice or not relive the shock of it, much as I would like too...
Most of the day is a blur, but I also appreciate the many kindnesses that we experienced on that awful day as well. Our families, friends, church, and dear brothers and sisters in Christ have done more for us than I will ever be able to thank you for.  The support shown to us has been unbeliveable.   I know that I have said "thank you" a lot over the past month, but there are some that I haven't been able to mention yet until now....  it's been hard to think back to the day that we lost Owen, but here are some of the ones I think about: 

I am so thankful in God's providence for Akron General Hospital.  The staff in the Labor and Delivery unit are the most compassionate and thoughtful people I ever could have asked for.    I am so grateful for each and every person that we interacted with while we were there.  My main nurse, Ashley, was absolutely wonderful and I appreciated the tears she cried with me as well as the memories she made for us of Owen...from taking pictures of him to making the plaster molding of his little foot as well as putting together our memory box.  She was supposed to be "off" at 3am and she came back into my room at 3:30 am with the box that she and the other nurses had been working on.  Then, the next nurse, who "replaced" Ashley when her shift ended was just as incredible and kind as Ashley had been in a whole different way.   Her name was Trish and I will never forget the way in which she took Owen from me at somewhere around 4 am and cradled him assuring me that she would look after him while I tried to get some sleep.  I don't think I would have let anyone else take him out of my arms but I did her, because I knew that she meant it.  What a blessing in the midst of a flood!
I, in all my naivete, always thought that if I were a nurse I would most definitely want to work on the maternity floor so  I could be with all the babies etc....  never comprehending the tragedy that also takes place on that floor.  I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for the compassion shown to me by those nurses...and there are a couple more whose names I didn't get or don't remember but each one was as kind and thoughtful as the next.  I know that I couldn't do it, but I am thankful that there are women who do....

Because of our insurance, everything with Owen was different than it was with our other 2 children.  I had to switch OB's and hospitals which is how we ended up at Akron General even though I had delivered Braden and Addison at Mercy Medical.  I know even these things are in God's hand.... I am thankful for my midwife at the practice who I had been seeing each week.  She wasn't able to be at  the hospital when I delivered Owen, but she came the next morning to spend time with me and she shared with me that she had also lost her 3rd baby and we cried for her baby and for Owen.  I am also thankful for Teresa, the midwife who was providentially on call a month ago and who helped deliver Owen at the hospital.  I had never seen Teresa for my monthly or weekly appts. at the office but I am so thankful that she was a part of Owen's story.  She was absolutely wonderful...again, compassionate and kind.  I don't think I could have asked for anything more as I was trying to wrap my mind around what was happening.

 Delivering Owen was the saddest  and most surreal thing I have ever experienced.  It was almost total silence in between whispered bouts of encouragement while I was pushing.  And then, when he was born there was the awful silence of a baby who is already gone.  We never got to hear him cry or see him open his eyes, but he was beautiful. Absolutely perfect..... little fingers, little toes, lots of hair, he looked just like Braden and Addison did when they were born....   and I know in the back of my mind I was hoping that they were all wrong.  That once he was born it would be all right and he would start to cry and honestly, he looked like he should!  I just kept thinking that he looked perfect.... he just looked like he was sleeping and any minute he would wake up and this nightmare would be over.

In the mail yesterday I received the pictures from Amy, the photographer with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, who came to the hospital at midnight to take pictures of Owen for us.  I didn't even know there were people who did that, but I am so thankful that there are!  Some of the pictures she took are the ones on this post.  She volunteers her time and then sent us a cd with all the pictures that she took for us.... she also made us a slideshow of pictures.  They are beautiful and I am so thankful to have these to look at....     If you get a chance, look up Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep online to see what they do.  It's not something that you want to think about but I am thankful for NILMDTS and the care that Amy took in preserving precious memories for us. 

Until we lost our sweet baby I had no concept of  how many families were touched by similar tragedies.  But again, I am thankful to each of the mommies who have taken the time to write me, email me, come and talk with me and share your stories of loss as well as listen to mine.  You each have touched our family in a special way and I am thankful that we are not walking this path alone even though I wish that none of us had to walk it at all. 

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