There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely holding on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
- From the song, I Will Carry You by Selah
One week ago came the day we have been waiting for......9 months of waiting. 9 months of praying, of hoping, of joy, of sorrow, of dread and anticipation, 9 months of waiting......and waiting. Waiting is not really my strong suit, but this was a different kind of waiting. This was different because 4 months ago we got the news that our much hoped for baby, Josiah had Trisomy 18. Those words changed everything.
Trisomy 18 was heartbreaking. And strangely, Trisomy 18 made the waiting so much sweeter. Trisomy 18 made me pay attention. It reminded me that this little life was fearfully and wonderfully made just as he was. It caused me to lean on God in ways that I never thought I could. Just 18 short months ago we were burying our son, Owen and now here we were again facing that very real possibility for Josiah. I didn't know for sure what God's plan was in all of this. We were devastated and heartbroken. Then slowly came hope. And the reality that part of God's plan was already playing out. We lost Owen at 41 weeks due to a cord accident. There was no warning. There was no expectation that morning as I drove to my ultrasound appointment that I would be leaving the hospital a day later with empty arms and a broken heart. God's plan for Josiah was different. I knew He might still call him home sooner than I wanted Him too, but I wasn't sure. I was finding hope and realized that we were given a blessing even in Josiah's diagnosis. We were being told to cherish every minute we had with him because our time together might be short. And so I paid attention. Every kick, every wiggle, was cherished in a way that I hadn't been able to do with Owen. Because this time we knew...
So we prayed. We prayed for so many things. We prayed for Josiah. Even before the Lord gave him to us we prayed for him. We longed to heal our broken hearts. We missed our sweet Owen. He was wanted and loved. And we prayed. The Lord heard our cries and gave us Josiah. And what a blessing he has been to us. Not in any ways that we would have expected or would have asked for. And we once again find ourselves with broken hearts and empty arms. But even in that I can see the blessing that was in that little 5lb 7oz baby boy. He was such a sweet little guy but he had such a big big life.
I was expecting Josiah's birthday to be February 5th. That was the day I was scheduled to be induced. And Josiah is our 4th baby. And I have been induced every single time. I did pray so much that Josiah would come on his own......I didn't know what would happen when he got here and I didn't want to have to "pick the day" if things didn't go well. I knew the Lord was in control of things though so I was at peace with the induction. So I planned for Tuesday. But the Lord and Josiah decided that Sunday was better. And so the unbelieveable happened on Sunday February 3rd. Between 9 and 9:15am my water broke. And that was it...... we were going to meet our Josiah. And we didn't have to wait until Tuesday.
We were scared......and we were hopeful. There was so much unknown. But we were thankful. Thankful that Josiah decided that he was coming on his own. Prayers were answered.
Josiah Owen Marx was born at 5:01 pm on February 3rd, 2013. He was 5lbs 7oz. and 17.5 inches long. And he was just perfect.
And again.......prayers were answered. Josiah was with us for close to an hour. We had prayed and prayed for the gift of TIME with him. The Lord heard our cries. He gave us that sweet precious gift of time. We had time to talk to him. To tell him how much we loved him. To snuggle with him. Time to feel Josiah's heart beating and to hold his hands. Time to watch him breathing. Time to share his life with his brother and sister and time to make memories. And at 5:59pm Josiah went from our arms to the arms of Jesus.
How blessed are we though? Our hearts are broken and full at the same time. Prayers were answered. Sometimes we don't get to see until months or even years later the ways in which the Lord answers our prayers, most especially if he answers in ways we weren't looking for. Jesus was merciful to us even through this trial....... We had Josiah. Even if for just a short time, he was ours. And when it was time, Josiah came on his own and we had TIME with him. What a blessing even in the midst of a heartbreak.
Blessed be the Lord,
for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me
when I was in a beseiged city,
I had said in my alarm,
"I am cut off from your sight."
But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy
when I cried to you for help
-Psalm 31: 21-22
Thank you doesn't seem adequate enough for all the prayers that have gone up continuously for Josiah and for us over the past several months. But please know how truly humbled and blessed and encouraged we have been. What an amazing God we serve. A God who hears our prayers and brings us together to comfort one another when comfort is needed most. So thank you...... thank you for holding us up, for taking care of our needs, for meals, for cards, for gifts of money, for flowers, for gifts of time, for giftcards and thank you so much for being there for us.
In His Hands,
A HUGE Thank you to Christina at Grace Designs Photography for sharing in our joy and sorrow on Josiah's birthday and for capturing precious memories of our time with him. Below is the slideshow she put together for us....